I'm Falling Apart
Updated: Jul 29, 2018
Moving can take a toll on someone financially, physically, and emotionally. Add in trying to find yourself, a job, and learning how to adult and moving can cause a major breakdown. I've been trying to make sense of everything going on in my head lately and I hope this article may relate to someone else out there!
A couple of weeks ago I posted my first blog article titled “Post Grad Pressure”. This article discussed all of the feelings I had experienced since college graduation and the lessons I had learned since then. Since that article, I received a lot of amazing feedback from individuals who had endured experiences similar to my own. This was honestly a dream come true for me because helping people talk about their experiences with mental health has always been a huge goal of mine! Those people that took the time to reach out however, caused me to feel as if I needed to have everything figured out in order to help them. Which is obviously not true, but for the past week or so I’ve been desperately trying to write something that I wasn't passionate about. I’ve been trying to write something I thought might be popular rather than following my own instincts.
In a week a move from my hometown of Sandy Springs, Georgia to Chicago, Illinois. After
spending four years in Bloomington, Indiana I really did not think I’d have any trouble moving just a few hours more hours from home. While I loved attending university and having the freedom of living away from home I truly did not understand how different this summer would feel from any other summer since college began.
All of a sudden everything I experience at home this summer could possibly be the last time I experience that particular place or thing. So I’ve been either pushing myself to do things I didn’t want to do or beating myself up because I didn’t do something I could have done and won’t have another opportunity do. It’s hard to balance work, packing/preparing for the move, job hunting, and quality family time. I personally feel like I’ve been failing in all of these departments because I haven't been able to put my best foot forward in all of these categories.
The inability to do my best has just been one component of my anxiety the last few weeks. Frankly, I’ve been a complete disaster since around July 4th. I’ve just done a really good job of hiding it. My brain is experiencing so many emotions at once it is really struggling to process each emotion individually. Everything is just bouncing around in my head 24/7.
I am incredibly excited to move to Chicago and live with my best friend Sara. I’m beyond thrilled to live in the same city as my boyfriend and our dog. I am already planning the decorations for my apartment and all of our house warming parties and such! And I know I’ll enjoy being around so many people I knew from IU but the excitement is met by so many other emotions.
First of all, I am absolutely freaking terrified by the new financial responsibilities I have acquired. I have been incredibly lucky to spend my last 22 years not too concerned about finances. However, now I am moving to an entirely new city where I do not have a salaried job, but where I do have rent and all sorts of new bills to pay. I spend way too much of my days calculating and adding up numbers and freaking myself out about this move. And to be totally honest while I feel like this move to Chicago is the best things for my mental health, financially I’m probably not really prepared for this move. Consequently, I am putting a ton of pressure on myself to find other sources of income via things such as, photography, babysitting, and dog walking. I am truly trying my best to convince myself that I am financially ready for this move and that it will all work itself out but my goodness its hard to do so.
Additionally, I am really sad to leave Sandy Springs after this summer. Just to clarify I don’t regret moving to Chicago but change has always been hard for me. I personally am proud to say I think I have two of the coolest parents in the world. When I’ve been home after college they are very good at treating me like an adult and I really don’t have too many restrictions living at home. The fact that I genuinely enjoy living at home and hanging out with my parents confuses me because I wonder if I might be making a mistake not living so comfortably here. But I just have to keep reminding myself that if I don't take risks now I never will!
I am also incredibly sad to be leaving the team I’ve been working with all summer at Tommy Bahama Avalon. The individuals I have been lucky enough to work with have honestly changed my life. I never ever leave that store unhappy and for me that is a huge feat. I love going into work every day because I enjoy being around my team. We are all so different from one another with the youngest employee being 18 and the oldest being in their 60’s but we all became incredibly close. I have experienced so much happiness at Tommy Bahama Avalon that I can’t thank the employees or the guests enough because I think you all helped me get my life back together. I was finally able to see that if I didn’t get that huge job with that huge company that I would be okay. My whole life isn’t dependent on working for a large corporation in their offices and that’s what my coworkers taught me. There are thousands of different paths I could take in my life, I just have to follow what is going to make me happy even if it doesn’t provide the highest pay day.
I guess the overall point of this article is I feel like I am losing my mind. Personally, I haven’t spoken to anyone else who feels this way which feels incredibly isolating. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep regularly for weeks now in anticipation of this move. I’m sad and excited and angry and all of these emotions that don’t necessarily make sense together. So I am trying my best to believe that everything happens for a reason and that even if I experience failure they will lead me to my successes. But it’s hard when everything in your life is just kind of a toss-up. Overall, I think I’m just struggling to believe in myself and my ability to be an adult living completely on my own in a new city. It is okay to feel uncertain about the decisions you are making as long as they feel like the right decision to you. I feel that moving to Chicago is the right decision for me, even if I always leave a little bit of my heart in Sandy Springs.