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  • Writer's pictureRachel Devin

Am I a Disappointment?

Something I have really struggled with throughout my life is my need to be "perfect". Not necessarily the desire to be perfect for myself, but rather the need to be perfect for those around me. If I was perfect then nobody could be disappointed in me! I can even remember my first-grade teacher confronting my parents about my constant desire to please my friends rather than myself. For the last 22 years I have focused on following the expectations of my friends and family and doing the things I was “supposed” to.

I carefully planned out every single aspect of my life. However, I let those around me create my future and shape the person I’ve become on behalf of their desires. But now that I’ve started to build my own life and transition into becoming a young adult, I’ve realized that the path everyone expects me to follow is not the direction I actually want to go. My passions never aligned with what others wanted for me, and I was scared to share my interests if it was going to disappoint someone else. I have spent years ignoring the things I am passionate about and have held myself back from trying new things I have always wanted to do.

Many people have asked me why I waited so long to start my blog. While the answer has many parts, the main reason is that those whom I sought approval from did not support it. I’ve spent the last four years hiding behind my friends’ hobbies, passions, and successes instead of actively pursuing my own. Beginning this blog has allowed me to start doing things for myself rather than others and has fulfilled many of the passions I’ve had since high school, but ignored. I can’t help but wonder how my college experience could have been different and possibly better if I had felt comfortable starting my blog sooner.

Sadly, I even let those around me impact big life decisions such as, where I attended college which continues to impact me on a daily basis. I chose my major based on what I believed others would approve of and would want me to pursue. Now that I have graduated and am actively pursuing a career, I have realized how this decision has hindered me during my job search. Unfortunately, I have almost zero interest in most of the careers my major in management has set up for me. I always wanted to be in The Media School at IU and desperately wanted to attend classes about writing, interviewing, digital media, etc. These are all interests and things I hope to pursue in a career today. Unfortunately, the courses I took during school and the internships I had do not relate to the career I am currently trying to begin, placing me further behind than other applicants.

I’ve spent my most recent years only half way living life because of my focus on the closed-mindedness of others instead of the potential opportunities I could have created for myself. I hope this can help influence those who are reading this not be afraid to explore your passions and interests! Take the time to determine what it is that YOU want, not what others want for you. Not doing so was the main cause of my unhappiness. I have started focusing on the piles of passions and interests I pushed aside and have begun seeking out the new opportunities I always desired to. I am so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to receive a great education and degree and meet some of my closest friends in college. However, I don’t believe I was fully able to find myself throughout those years. I hope to continue my journey of finding myself with you all!



Jessica Shaye Photography


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